“Is Daddy going to be there?” my sister asked. “Nope,” responded my mother. “It’s just going to be us.”
My mom was leaving my step-dad.
I can still remember the bright moon shining into the car as we were headed out of town in the middle of the night. Small tears were running down the side of my little sister’s cheek. That night I slept on the floor right next to her bed. I thought maybe if I stayed close enough to her, I could some how ABSORB the pain she was feeling.
I can still remember the layout of that small and strange new apartment. I can remember waking up that following morning wondering what in the hell had happened. Where the hell were we.
Why the hell is my life suddenly different. Suddenly I’m different. I’m no longer the person I was just 12 hours before.
When you’re a child, you bounce a little bit when you fall. You can somehow recover from your injuries. I went through a lot as a kid. I have enough baggage to spend the rest of my days writing 700-page novels of the crap I’ve seen and felt.
When you’re older and you fall, you don’t bounce so well. Bones break, teeth fall out, muscles get pulled.
Life is hard.
It’s easy to get lost.
You’re going to fail.
You’re going to get screwed over.
People you love are going to be selfish. They will hurt you. They will sometimes choose themselves over you. You will be and feel at times like an unchosen, unloved and insignificant pile of horse crap that stinks up and annoys the whole universe.
This is just the reality of human nature.
Is it even possible to escape the forest of pain, confusion, and depression and find our way out to the open green grasses of success, happiness and hope?
Truth is, there is no such thing as success. At least not long term. What is success? How is it measured? Do I need a white picket fence, a perfect wife, three perfect kids who get straight A’s and are always completely and utterly obedient? A million dollars in the bank and a couple vacation homes?
I’m over this idea of being successful. I could care less about this idea. I’ve tried and failed at probably 12 different business ideas. I’ve lost more money and time failing then I could ever hope to gain back by becoming successful. I’ve decided to change direction. I’m going to hang out and enjoy the forest a little bit. Forget the greener grass.
For three years I’ve spent every spare moment of my life trying to figure out how to make money online. I’ve started website after website after website. I’ve made a few bucks, gained a few fans. I’m still working a full time job. I’m still not living the dream, as they say.
Time for a new strategy.
When our primary goal is money, we get lost. We stop representing something true. Every move we make is about making “dolla bills yall.” I don’t want to do that anymore. I have a new strategy. It’s called being real. It’s called being honest and owning the fact that life is hard. The world can be cruel.
It’s time to find true happiness. It’s time to focus on the heart and try to speak to people about things that actually matter.
I’m aware that I may never make a cent from my website. It’s entirely possible that the only person who reads this post will be me. It’s also possible that hundreds of thousands will read it. I might even make a few bucks. The difference is that I’m content with whatever. I’m going to roll with the punches.
Maybe true success is more about deciding WHO you want to be and less about WHAT you want to be?
There are a million things that I have wanted to be. Professional baseball player, broker, internet marketer, journalist, professional Chippendale. I’m just kidding on that last one. Well, kind of.
I’ve decided to lay those ideas to rest. I’m going to focus more on who I want to be.
I want to be someone who does what is right, even when it is hard. I want to be honest. I want to always speak the truth. I want to be willing to take a stand and have a few enemies. I want to love my wife better. I want my son to be thankful for the life I lived and the example I set for him. I want to be a Godly man.
I want to be a man who gives a rip about that guy standing on the street corner, begging for food and freezing his ass off as I pull out of the Meijer parking lot with $300 worth of groceries.
Yes, I just used profanity in that last sentence. Maybe I need to work more on the Godly part. I want to be honest though.
Who do I really want to be?
I want to be someone who is willing to sleep on the floor next to his little sister’s bed hoping I can absorb her pain.
Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I spent so much time focusing on what I wanted to be and forgot about who I want to be. Whether my blog makes me a million dollars or it never has a single reader, I’m going to be WHO I want to be. Maybe if we just do that, we will finally also become WHAT we want t0 be. Maybe that way we can find true success.
Whatever that is.